


Death regrets

by Monsterlover316



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Character Death, Depressing, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Heartache, Letters, M/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-24 20:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14961411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsterlover316/pseuds/Monsterlover316
Summary: Regret sometimes hurts worse then your impending death.





	Death regrets

**Author's Note:**

> This really was going to be a one shot but my friend and I got talking so i made it a 3 part.

I never had a regret in my life….well maybe that’s not true. I’m dying and yet I still feel like I haven’t fullied anything in my life even though I fought and disagreed with anything and everything. I changed laws and pushed boundaries,made people uncomfortable but I never gave up.  
This is honestly stupid for me to be writing this letter but my friend told me that maybe it would help me pass on peacefully.  
My friend...I had a lot of those once but there was always one who shined brighter than the others, who always had my back even when I was a jerk to him. We were always together and I was always getting us into some type of trouble and he would just laugh and go with it.  
*Chuckles* He looked like an angel, wild curls and freckles like stars scattered across his face. His smile could light up a room and his laugh was musical. He wasn’t a big gym person but he went running everyday. His body was fit but lean with a nice six pack…..ugh so maybe I liked him a little more than a friend. It’s not like it was going to go anywhere….well then again maybe it would have if I had just grew some balls and told him the truth but I met my,now wife, Eliza Schuyler.

Slowly Eliza became my world and I became obsessed with texting her paragraphs and winning her heart. He suddenly wasn’t my only focus and at first it seemed like he was happy for me. Then one afternoon,Peggy Schuyler told me in a passing of words, how Angelica had suddenly pointed out the way I treated Eliza,complaining to him about how I treated Eliza like a princess.  
Angelica told Peggy that he had reacted weird their ‘conversation’ and left in a hurry,almost like he had tears in his eyes. The thing that really bothered me was while hanging out with the Schuylers,Lafayette and Hercules, Hercules brought up Charles Lee and Him. So I asked him to explain if he would please. Hercules just gave me a look but shrugged and said “Sure but I’m surprised he didn’t tell you himself.”  
Humming in thought and nodding slightly for him to keep going, “It happened the other day man and he was so distraught about it. Charles had caught him off guard and you know how Charles likes to be a dick so he started taunting him about how he’s only your second, that's all he’ll be to you. You should have seen him ,it’s like a piece of his soul was stomped on or something”. Before I could ask for more or even get a reply out, Eliza was pulling me off to dance and all thoughts slipped from my head.  
That night,when he came home,he just exploded and screamed about how I was being disrespectful by not realizing that other people existed besides Eliza…..how dare I make him my second when he deserved better. How he didn’t have to stand in my shadow or be forgotten.  
That was our first big fight and it hurt worst because later I realized he was right.  
Maybe god was trying to tell me something when the group photo of us fell and shattered as he stormed out of our apartment. *laughs emptily* But being the stubborn asshole I am, I just brushed it off and ignored the feeling in my gut as I kept on with my plan to woo Eliza. I wrote my way out of hell when god failed me so why would I believe in his signs now?  
I should have known something was wrong when he stopped answering my calls,texts,emails and even hand written letters. Hercules told me to just give him some time and everything would be okay and while hercules was one of his great friends, he didn’t know him like I did. He trusted me with deep secrets, things he wouldn’t tell others. I was his first kiss and his first real lover….well maybe not lover. No….not lover…. A teacher.  
I taught him about what his body wanted and craved,I helped him realize his attraction to boys but we were never lovers. I was always too preoccupied with something else or someone else but yet he never complained when I crawled into his bed and took his body.  
Just like a thief in the night, I stole his body and without knowing I stole his heart as well.  
I was asked once; if I had a chance to go back in time what would I do different?  
My answer used to be nothing but now...now it changed. Now my answer is “I would go back and proudly love John Laurens….”  
That….that has to be my biggest regret. But time travel doesn't exist and it would be to late. On August 25, John was attacked on his way home from work,it was a mugging gone wrong. John,stubborn temperamental John, tried to fight back and that punch he threw would be his last one…. He was shot in the stomach and he survived for 2 days before he died on August 27. Everyone went to see him, hell even Thomas Jefferson was there. The man I hated,came to pay his respects for a hero.  
John was a hero, he fought for gay rights and slavery that still existed in some countries. John tried to change the world and make it better,brighter and maybe he signed his death sentence when gay rights were passed in New York. People were outraged but John had the brightest smile I’ve ever seen.  
He turned to me that day with the brightest smile and said “Alex if I were to die, then I’m glad I got to see the day where these beautiful people don’t have to hide their love”. I took him gently and loving that night in our hotel room…..I taught him the greatest pleasure and then played it off. John was considered a hero to people of the LGBT community.  
That’s why I continued his work, I helped get gay rights in almost all 50 states and I did it all in John’s name.  
On August 26, when I was finally forced to see him...god I remember how small he looked in such a big white bed. His normally tan,bright face was pale and covered in cuts. The breathing tube down his throat made me so uncomfortable and I just wanted to cry. I begged and pleaded with John and even god that night to keep fighting, be strong and pull through. Only my begging did nothing….

The next day I was in an important meeting when I got a call,I had asked the hospital and our friends to keep me updated as I still had to work.  
All day I had a bad feeling which I thought had to do with the fact that Thomas was going to be there and argue my every point. SO i excused myself and went into the hallway. The bad feeling just intensified when I answered the call and could hear crying.  
My heart could win a marathon that’s how fast it was racing when I asked what was going on and got no answer.  
Frowning at the phone I looked and saw that the call is from Lafayette which was weird because Laf liked to text.  
He always said it was because he could get excited and not worry about his accent getting to thick like he did when he was calling. “Layafette!?” I remember screaming his name until I finally heard him reply back.  
He started telling me about how John was still unconscious and how he and Hercules were telling stupid jokes thinking John could probably hear them. I frowned because this was not information worth getting in trouble for and I told him that.  
He started to ramble faster. After a few more minutes,I finally screamed at him in annoyance “Stop wasting my time Lafayette! I’m here listening to you ramble and my heart is about to beat out of my chest and I’m missing my meeting!”.  
I wish I had just let him ramble because the next thing he told me made my body go cold and numb. “Alexander….John flatlined in front of us...H-he’s gone. John is dead”. How badly I wanted those words to be a lie but Lafayette was never a liar.  
On August 27, the world lost a great man, a man who fought for the discriminated and racially profiled. That day I lost my best friend...the man I loved but left for a life with Eliza. That day Lafayette and Hercules lost someone they considered a brother. That day John Laurens death left the world cold and a lot darker.  
John Laurens died not knowing that I loved him or that the world needed his bright light. I had all the time in the world to tell him that I loved him but I failed. So yes I do regret and I regret hard. 

Regret lives forever in our hearts so please children of mine,if you find a diamond, love and polish that jewel. Don’t make it shine just to dull that light. Cherish it like I should have cherished mine but I let it crumble….  
-Alexander Hamilton


End file.
